In one word I would say, the greatest obstacle to following your heart is FEAR. Even if you manage to realize that the only way to obtain peace and happiness in your life is through following your heart (following your calling) , you are sometimes overcome with such an overwhelming feeling of “something” in which you might feel physically, emotionally and/or spiritually blocked or in some cases even paralyzed. I don’t know whether or not this is a necessary step or something that is universally felt, I just know that it is very real and it is the place where I am right now.
My journey through life has brought me to this point: I must follow my heart or else I will die, or to put it less dramatically, my soul will die and I will end up becoming bitter towards life. Almost exactly two years ago I graduated from pharmacy school and became a licensed pharmacist. And although in the eyes of many people, I seemed to have a “bright future”, I never felt further away from my purpose in life than in the moment when school was over and it was time to get into the “real world”, start making money and to start paying back my (rather hefty) student loans. I kept asking my self, is this it? Is this what life is about … growing up, getting a safe job that comes with the added benefit of “helping people and saving lives”? If so, why do I feel like I want to click the “undo button” on life, instead of feeling alive, happy, passionate and in love? If I am successful, and close to the “American Dream”, why do I feel so empty inside, especially when I am standing behind the counter with a white coat on? Why do I feel like running away, or crying every time a customer asks me for a recommendation on what medication to take, or what the side effects of the medication will be? Why do I feel like I am harming this person, or not being truthful, even though I am reiterating everything I learned and everything according to EBM (evidence-based medicine)?
Now I would like to take the time to clarify and say that I am not anti-medicine or anti-pharmacy, I believe that, like everything in life, pharmacy and medicine has its place in the world and that we definitely need more of loving/caring and aware doctors and pharmacists!!!!! That being said, I don’t believe that drugs and doctors alone can “save lives”. How can we be certain that someone has lived due to a certain drug or a certain medical procedure? How can you convince me that increased mortality is something we can claim? Life is a mystery, and I think that if this was something we accepted as medical professionals, we would be a lot more effective in face of “curing disease”.
Anyway, fast forward to now… I am living in Germany (because of love & other reasons to be talked about in future posts). I was recently just an exam away from getting my pharmacist license in Germany. I spent two-years post graduation, learning German and trying to convince myself that my calling for now is being a pharmacist. Long story short- I failed to convince myself. This was, or shall I say is, a very, very bitter-sweet realization. I feel so relieved in my heart and soul that I no longer have to spend and expend so much of my vital life energy in trying to convince myself that I am meant to be a pharmacist. However, I find myself at times experiencing heavy self-doubt and fear that I will never succeed. Writing it down now, makes me realize that it is foolish to think like that, but regardless I can’t help myself. I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION, EVEN THOUGH I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TANGIBLE TO SHOW YOU FOR IT. I am completely VULNERABLE, and I feel so aligned with who “I” am. It’s crazy and I can’t really explain it, I am jobless, now career-less and I have more than $170,000 to pay back in student loans, but I feeeeeeelllll sooo blessedddd to be able to be here, now and to write this!!!! I love you life, you bitter-sweet, crazy painful unexplainable thing!!!
A major inspiration among many writing this article was Paulo Coelho, and his foreword to the book Alchemist, which you can find following this link. http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2009/06/22/workshop-the-alchemist/
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